


When do you think I'll be okay?

by fallsouthwinter



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Amputee Bodhi, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Mild pranking, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 14:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11233119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallsouthwinter/pseuds/fallsouthwinter
Summary: They made it off Scarif, now they just have to deal with the aftermath.





	When do you think I'll be okay?

**Author's Note:**

> If you need me to tag something else in this, please let me know. Also, a huge thank you to [the-bi-writer](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ineedapenname/pseuds/the-bi-writer) for her amazing beta work.
> 
> Title is from the song [Miss Blue by Filter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7G8_dHD-G9s).

Cassian slowly resurfaced from his sleep, feeling less tired if nothing else, which was definitely an improvement. While his headache was mostly gone, it still hurt to breathe, which wasn't going to change until his ribs had a bit longer to heal. Fortunately, after the latest application of bacta, the pain in his bad leg had switched from a constant burning to a mere throb, so that was something. 

His other leg was worryingly numb, however, until he realized Jyn was laying on top of it, just like he was laying on top of someone else. That someone he was laying on was definitely Bodhi, and it wasn't so much laying as it was "curled around" or possibly "cuddling." It really depended on your view of the situation, really, and Cassian's view was a little obscured by lack of decent light and, as per usual, his hair falling in his face.

After a moment's hesitation, Cassian let his head fall back onto Bodhi's chest and closed his eyes. Nothing wrong with taking a few quiet moments like this, especially given what they had been through after they made it off Scarif. The fact that someone managed to find them and get off planet was honestly something of a miracle. The conspicuous absence of so many wasn't lost on him- Chirrut, Baze, so many people both on the ground and in the air, though he realized guiltily that the absence of Kaytoo was weighing heavier on his mind than anything else. 

Cassian had tried desperately not to think about it as the ship had closed its hatch against the glare of the shockwave and blasted away from the buckling ground and evaporating sea. The ship was in bad shape, bad enough that Cassian had been surprised it was even still flying. With Jyn's help he got up to the cockpit to talk to the pilot, Udané, who had been with the Rebellion almost as long as Cassian could remember. After finding out the full state of the ship and briefly discussing the best course of action, Cassian was dragged into the back again to sit down with everyone else so Udané could make the jump to hyperspace.

They ended up having to hop their way from planet to planet, from Scarif to Christophsis to Ragna III. This was due to the ship's damaged, overheating power core that eventually exploded on Ragna III. That, along with trying to deal with their wounds and everything else that happened planetside - honestly, why were there so many bounty hunters? - needless to say by the time Cassian managed to make contact with the Rebellion, he was more than a little exhausted. Then he was told they needed to stay put as the Rebellion was expecting full engagement with the Empire and was extremely grateful for Udané's mention of her contacts on Karlinus and suggesting hiding out there as his head was a complete chaotic mess at that point. After contact had been confirmed and landing coordinates given out, just seeing Karlinus in the viewport had been beyond a relief.

When they landed, a woman waiting for them on the tarmac had run up to Udané and greeted her with an enthusiastic hug. After pulling away, she looked at Udané and the rest of them before stating, "Oh wow, you weren't kidding when you said you needed help," 

"Yeah, well you should see what happened to the other guys," Jyn had replied almost immediately.

The woman had blinked at Jyn then seemed to check herself, introducing herself as Nyreé Harete and asking which one of them was Captain Andor. 

She brought them to a safe house, where the people setting it up for their stay immediately greeted them. First thing Nyreé did was show them all where the access panel for the safe room was, and how to get from there to the tunnel system under the house. 

A Chiss doctor, who introduced herself as Kiarina took Bodhi aside, checking his damaged ear and measuring his arm for a more permanent prosthetic. She removed the one made for him on Ragna III for the time being, so the sores that developed from the hasty fit had a chance to heal before they reattached anything. 

Cassian remembered sitting on the couch during this, but he didn't remember anything after, nor could he really figure out how Bodhi would have managed to get underneath him like this, or why no one else could pick a different place to pass out, but whatever. Not like it was an actual problem.

Sunlight didn't seem to want anything to do with the room, so the only light spilled in from the entryway. Between the hazy light and the soothing sound of Bodhi's heartbeat, it was probably the calmest Cassian had felt after a nightmare in maker only knew how long. Even with Jyn cutting off the circulation in his good leg. If he turned his head and shoulders a little more, he could just make out Udané's rainbow braids in the dim lighting, her person somehow sandwiched between the back of the couch and Jyn. He wasn't sure how they were all on there; Cassian was positive the couch wasn't meant for four people under any capacity, and yet.

Just then, Bodhi took a deep breath and stretched a little, causing Cassian to freeze. He glanced up only to be caught by Bodhi's gaze, sleep soft and warm. Though he found the thought to be somewhat ridiculous, Cassian couldn't help thinking about how easy it would be to get lost in Bodhi's eyes.

"Did I wake you?" Bodhi asked as quietly as he could.

"No. How're you feeling?"

"You mean aside from still feeling like I'm trying to listen to everything while underwater? I'm fine."

Cassian should get up. He should pull his leg out from under Jyn, untangle himself from Bodhi and find the 'fresher. And he would. In a minute. After all, he was still pretty tired and sore, better to take these things slow.

Then Bodhi lifted a hand and brushed away the few strands of hair that had fallen into Cassian's eyes. It was such a light touch, barely a brush of fingertips against skin, yet it lingered. Cassian’s chest squeezed painfully at the contact. The first few times this had happened Cassian had tried to convince himself it was his injury, but after Ragna III, and especially after Llanic he knew it wasn’t. Regardless, Cassian knew he didn't want Bodhi to stop, but he didn't know how to ask.

"I have to-" he started.

Bodhi jerked his hand away, acting like he'd just been burned. "Yeah."

It took a minute for Cassian to get up, mostly because he had to wiggle his leg out from underneath Jyn, and managed to fall off the couch in the process. Bodhi reached out like he was about to try to help Cassian up, but Cassian held up a hand in refusal before pulling himself off and finding his way to the 'fresher.

"Captain Andor?" a voice asked as he stepped back out into the hall a few minutes later. "Could I speak with you a moment?" Nyreé was standing at the other end of the hall, just inside the outer door. She had a cool, light brown complexion, and dark brown hair that seemed to curl however it felt like outside of the braids wrapped around the crown of her head. She beckoned to him, and he followed her outside onto the veranda. 

"I was waiting for someone to wake up before I left and I heard the crash in the living room." Ignoring Cassian's wince, Nyreé continued. "Unfortunately there are a few things that need my attention, otherwise I wouldn't be leaving," Nyreé said. She gestured to a Kerkoiden with a longer than usual snout standing on the other side of the veranda railing. "This is Ganice Jor. She looks after the place." 

"I always have my comm on me, just call if you need anything." With that Ganice was off, disappearing into the underbrush surrounding. The abruptness of her leaving startled Cassian and had Nyreé sighing in exasperation.

"Groundkeeper?" Cassian asked.

"Yes. Ganice does manage to keep an eye on things here, believe it or not. There are also a few guards around if anything happens. Anyway, I should be back for a little bit later tomorrow."

Just then a roll of thunder sounded and there was a gentle hiss of rain suddenly pouring down over the trees. Nyreé sighed again. "I feel like that's a cue for something."

"Portent of doom?" Cassian suggested. For some reason that felt more along the lines of what Bodhi would have said. Nyreé merely smiled at him. Coupled with the mischievous sparkle in her dark eyes, it instantly made Cassian wonder if she knew something he didn't.

"Not on Karlinus. Or Naboo, for that matter."

After giving him a rundown of everything she could think of, plus instructions to comm her or Ganice if they needed anything, Nyreé left, vanishing down the same path the Kerkoiden had left on. 

The entire house open to them, Cassian decided to look through the kitchen first. It looked like the chiller had been freshly stocked, or at least he hoped their hosts had no intention of killing them off with food poisoning. The pantry was full to the brim with all sorts of non-perishable food, most of it dried- an entire section for just potato-rice, then fruits and vegetables, and more fish than Cassian had ever seen hermetically sealed and stacked on top of each other. 

There was a wall in the pantry dedicated to canned goods, stuffed almost floor to ceiling and several jars out. A few of them read "swimfish" and it looked like the contents were still, well, _swimming_.

Passing through the hallway with peeling walls and shiny floors, he heard Bodhi and Jyn talking, voices muffled through the closed door of one of the bedrooms. It almost sounded like Bodhi was yelling, and he could just make out the sound of Jyn responding back at much lower tones, and after a curious look at the door Cassian continued on, searching for an unoccupied room that he could get cleaned up in.

Mercifully the showers were water-based instead of just sonics. While sonic showers fulfilled their purpose, Cassian never managed to feel much better after showering in one, not to mention, if he stayed too long in a sonic he ended up feeling sick from the vibrations. 

Cassian stayed under the streams of water for maker-only-knew how long, letting it pour over his aching muscles and carefully washing around the sores left from wearing the same clothes for days on end. He washed his hair twice only because it needed it, not because the shampoo smelled like ivyleaf blossoms. 

Cassian had gone through the clothes left for them earlier and managed to find something that fit, even if it seemed confused about what color and pattern it was supposed to be, and the neck was so wide that the shirt seemed determined to fall off one his shoulders. Either the person donating the clothing really liked showing off their shoulders, or whatever fashion from the world the clothing was from had a tendency to trend in that direction. Not like it mattered. At least they were clean.

Heading back to the kitchen, he considered rounding everyone up so they could attempt a meal. After looking outside, Cassian figured this might be his one chance to enjoy the clear weather so instead he found some flatbread and some kind of nut butter, managed to assemble a few passable sandwiches, grabbed a jug of what he hoped was kothtri juice and not hubba melon and headed out. 

Apparently Udané had the same idea, as Cassian found her sitting on the veranda steps, looking up from her adjustments on the ankle of her prosthetic leg when she heard the door open. "Hey Cap." The dying sunlight brought out the jewel tones in Udané's umber-brown skin but somehow muted the colors in her braids, which were curling on the ends from the humidity. "You're welcome to sit," she said, patting the area next to her. 

Cassian sat, setting the plate of sandwiches and juice down and nudged them towards her. "Been sitting out here long?" Cassian asked. Udané shrugged, smoothing her skirt back into place and snagging a sandwich, biting into it. The sky was partially clear, only obscured by clouds trailing after a storm, and stars could be seen clearly overhead in the darkening sky. 

"It's kind of weird, sitting here and seeing Naboo without being able to actually go there," Udané said quietly, absentmindedly dusting crumbs off herself.

Cassian gave Udané a quizzical look, who gave him a small smile before turning and pointing at a piece of sky, one eye closed. "Right there, the brighter star. You know I'm from Naboo, right?" she asked, dropping her arm.

"I did," Cassian responded, taking a sandwich himself. "If you don't mind my asking," he started after a few bites, "I did notice that you and your brother Ualan are the same age. Are you-"

"Twins," Udané stated. "I was a silver baby."

"What does that mean?"

"You know how common twins are on Naboo? There are colors for the eldest and youngest, gold and silver, respectively."

"So Ualan is older than you?"

Udané nodded. "Hey, you mind telling me how you knew all this? I don't remember telling you."

"It's in your files." At Udané's look, Cassian supplemented this with, "Remember that mission to Glee Anselm -- extracting Senator Danu?"

"Right." Udané leaned back on her hands. "That was the first time we worked together, wasn't it?" Cassian nodded. "Caraya's soul, I'd almost forgotten about that."

Cassian didn't reply, instead he copied Udané, leaning back on his hands and looking back up at Naboo, which was now dominating the sky with its sparkle now that the sun had fully set. 

"Can anyone join this party?"

Cassian and Udané looked back to see Jyn and Bodhi coming out of the house, the faint edge of twilight almost making Bodhi glow. Bodhi, for some reason, had a hunted expression on his face that seemed to blossom into panic when he stepped outside. Jyn paused when Bodhi stopped and tugged on his sleeve, urging him forward.

"You okay?" Udané asked as she and Cassian moved over so Jyn and Bodhi could sit down.

"Fine," Bodhi replied, sounding anything but. He didn't say anything else though, just took a sandwich when Jyn passed him the plate. 

\--------------------------------

_Kaytoo turned his head towards Cassian, making an alarming screech-clanking noise as he did so. One eye was completely dark, and the other flickered occasionally, and some of his joints and circuits seemed to want to spark like lights on Life Day. "It appears my systems are still semi-functional."_

There was a flash of lightning through the window. Cassian took a deep breath and exhaled, counting as he did so. _FLASH_ -inhale-two-three-four _BROOMrumble_ -exhale-two-three-four-five. And on until his breathing started evening out, until the thunder almost felt soothing. He was pretty sure he'd been listening to the storm for several hours, only to discover a mere thirty minutes had passed from when he had last happened to glance at the chrono. Unable to stay in that room a second longer, Cassian pulled himself up and made his way into the hallway, feeling almost like a ghost as he walked through the house. Most of the house dark except for Udané's room, lights on, the door and windows wide open despite the rain as she slept.

Reaching the kitchen, Cassian found Jyn already there. She was standing next to the stove, back to the bank of windows that spanned an entire wall, a kettle set to boil and a single cup sitting on the counter nearby. She turned when he reached the threshold and looked at him a little too closely for his liking, but the only thing she said was, "Want some tea? I found an entire cabinet full."

"Might as well," Cassian replied, walking over and opening the cabinet next to the stove where the water was set to boil. A few boxes of tea came spilling out, scattering across the counter. 

"I looked through everything they had and couldn't figure out how they got it all in there," Jyn said, leaning with her arms on the counter and tapping her fingers against the surface.

"What's the strongest one in here?" Cassian asked, moving a box only to have more packets to fall out.

"The Dee'jan blend," Jyn replied immediately. "Sure you wouldn't prefer caf? It's in the next cupboard."

"I know, and I wouldn't." Cassian would drink it if there was absolutely nothing else, but truth was caf had a tendency to give him an upset stomach. Jyn watched him as he easily found the cups and sugar.

Jyn dug into the drawer she was blocking and handed him a spoon. "How'd you know where everything is?"

Cassian glanced at her, adding six spoonfuls of sugar to his cup before dropping a tea sachet into it. "I like knowing where things are."

"You were snooping. And would you like a little bit of tea with your sugar?"

Scowling at her, Cassian replied, "You were snooping, too."

Jyn shrugged. Silence fell over the room, only filled by the hiss of heating water. "Been thinking about Baze and Chirrut," she said after a while. She resumed tapping her fingers, this time against her cup. "I don't know, for some reason I can't stop thinking about it tonight. Wish there was a way to know for sure if they made it out."

Leaning against the counter, Cassian crossed his arms over his chest. "Won't know until we reunite with the Rebellion. You know that."

"I know, I know." Jyn sighed. "Is Bodhi asleep?"

Cassian scratched at his neck, suddenly wildly uncomfortable. "Why are you asking me?"

"You're kidding, right?" Just then the kettle began to chirp at them. Jyn snapped the stove off. "This last week at least you've practically been living in each other's pockets," she said as she poured water into the cups and set the kettle back on the stove.

"I think that could be said for all of us," Cassian replied, frowning at the floor. "For the sake of necessity."

"Yeah? Well, I don't remember anyone cuddling me at night. Was _that_ necessary?"

"You and Udané did."

"When we were on Christophsis? You're right, it was cold," Jyn said, nodding over her steeping tea and resting her chin on her hand. "We just weren't stroking each other's hair and humming to each other when we did. We also didn't keep doing it on Ragna or Llanic. Speaking of Llanic-"

"You've made your point," Cassian interrupted quickly. Jyn gave him a narrow look that seemed to suggest that no, _she had not_ , but appeared to let it go, turning her attention to her tea and pulling the bag out of her cup. Instead of tossing the bag, however, she squeezed out the excess water and bit down on it. Cassian stared at her.

"What are you doing?"

"I have a few broken teeth and there's something in tea that helps with the pain," Jyn replied, words slurring. "It's only the teas from Bogden or here, though."

"Ah." Shaking his head, Cassian disposed of his own bag properly then went rooting through the pantry, coming back with an alarmingly large bag of dried Barabel fruit. He dropped it on the counter between his and Jyn's cups.

"Did something change?"

"Did what change?"

"Whatever's going on between you and Bodhi."

"Not really," Cassian responded, pulling a piece of dried fruit out of the bag and gnawing on it. No, nothing really, just that his feelings for Bodhi were trending on the intense side and it was scaring him a little. Or a lot.

Jyn grabbed a piece of fruit and for a moment Cassian thought she was going to eat it with the tea bag still in her mouth, but thankfully spat it out at the last second. "Just figured you were looking for a dutiful husband instead," she stated as she chewed.

"What?"

Jyn poked at the bag of fruit. "There has to be at least five pounds of fruit in this bag. Seems a bit much."

Cassian sighed, rubbing a hand over his face and pressing his fingers into his eyes. "Jyn," he said wearily, dropping his hand, "if there's something you want to say t-"

"I think you'd sleep better -or just, you know, sleep period- if you went and found Bodhi." Jyn picked up her cup and clinked it against Cassian's, which was still sitting untouched on the counter. "I'm going back to bed. Try not to drink all the sugar."

It was maybe ten minutes later when Bodhi entered the kitchen, after Cassian had cleaned up the tea packets, shutting them cupboard quickly before everything could fall out again. Bodhi appeared in the doorway as Cassian was pulling a carton of bright yellow shaak milk from the chiller. Adding the milk to his tea gave it a strange teal sheen, which Cassian ignored as he turned to Bodhi.

"How're you feeling?"

Bodhi leaned against the wall next to the counters. "Like bantha fodder. My arm's been acting up- ever since they removed the neurotransmitters. I'm also- just trying to- to deal. With everything. You know?" Bodhi met Cassian's eyes and of course there was that sensation again, the squeezing in his chest, almost like what he was looking at was too much for his heart to handle. 

Cassian looked back down at his teal tea. "I get it. Is there anything I can do?"

Bodhi shook his head and turned his attention to the wall between the door and the bank of windows that was covered in writing, various types of flimsiplast, and imager datachips. Cassian had opened a few of the datachips earlier and found one with an image of a Klatooinian and an Ubese making ridiculous poses, another with a couple of young Ferroans, shoulder to shoulder and smiling. A lot of the wall was covered in names and dates, but a lot of it was also fliers, poems, announcements. Cassian watched as Bodhi smoothed down the peeling corner of one piece of flimsi, a wedding invitation printed in blue and silver, the date over nine years prior and began tracing over the names written on the wall, as if trying to tell if they were really there.

"How about a cup of tea?" Cassian asked, at a loss for anything else to say.

Bodhi grimaced. "I'd prefer caf if there is any."

Digging through the cupboards, Cassian unearthed the jar of instant caf that boasted about coming straight from Corellia's Golden Coast. "Instant okay?"

"Yeah. Um- tw- no, three spoonfuls."

"Sugar? Or-"

"No, nothing. Just the caf."

Cassian set the water to boil and prepped Bodhi's cup, trying desperately not to feel self-conscious about his own cup of tea in the meantime. It wasn't until Cassian was pouring hot water into Bodhi's cup that Bodhi spoke again.

"You know, the wall's kind of reminding me-" Bodhi paused then looked at Cassian. "It reminded me of something."

Cassian walked over and handed Bodhi his cup of caf. "Go on."

Bodhi rubbed his thumb over the side of the cup a few times. "My sister, Siyana, somehow managed to convince me and Ayesha to write a note to our moms. On the wall of the sitting room, in permanent ink."

Cassian blinked. "Do you remember what it said?"

"Kind of? It said something about how..." Bodhi paused, and after a minute, let out a frustrated sigh. "I don't- I don't remember what it said. I do remember we signed our names, so they would know it was us."

"Of course. Do you remember anything else?"

"Well, I learned that permanent ink does not come off durasteel no matter how much you scrub. They had to cover the whole thing with a curtain. Last time I was home it was still there." After a moment, Bodhi went on. "I was just thinking about the fact that I hadn't been back home very much since Ayesha left," Bodhi admitted. "I know I should have, I wanted to, but every time I did it's just- it didn't feel the same." Bodhi stared down at his caf. "Too late now, either way."

The silence stretched out between them, only broken by the sound of the pouring rain. Cassian thought of several different things he could say but eventually vetoed each one, deciding instead to look over the wall of names and drink his sugary tea. Bodhi apparently had the same idea, only instead he was gazing out the windows into the storm.

"It rained like this on Jedha," Bodhi said eventually, breaking the silence. "But it only rained one month out of the year. The rest of the year it was so cold, any precipitation we got was mostly diamond dust. Whenever that happened there was always a halo around the sun, and when the light hit everything just right the air would sparkle."

"I think we had that happen a few times on Fest," Cassian replied quietly. It was a long time ago, but he still remembered a day with his parents and a glittering sky, even if the memories were now hazy from time and he couldn't quite recall the way his father's laugh had sounded, thought the lilt of his mother's voice still rang clear in his head. "It never rained on there, though. Only snowed."

"Would-" Bodhi started after another long silence then stopped, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes briefly, as if he were summoning something. "I think I sleep- a lot better when I'm not alone. Well, I'm hardly sleeping at all because of the arm and everything but- but I really don't want to be alone."

"All right." Cassian felt like he had answered too quickly, but if he had Bodhi either didn't notice or didn't mention it. Or didn't care. 

Half an hour later found them in Bodhi's room, Bodhi clicking off the lamp and slipping under the covers next to Cassian, laying on his back. "Good night. And- thanks, Cassian."

A smile touched Cassian's mouth. "Good night, Bodhi."

A minute or twenty later, Cassian hands were curled into the blanket, trying not to look at Bodhi in the dim light but looking anyway, wanting to touch him so badly, run his fingers through Bodhi's hair like he had every night since then. After what felt like an eternity, Cassian finally managed to close his eyes.

\--------------------------

Thankfully there were a lot of bookchips stashed in the safehouse. Cassian liked reading; it was practically only one of the things he could do on long missions. Like now, he had some time, he had bookchips, and he had several things he wanted to take his mind off of. Like Jyn's "attempt" at cooking that morning that had to be put out. Or the fact that one among them had taken to sewing one of the sleeves or legs of everyone's clothes up as a way of curing boredom.

The most recent bookchip, however, he had to remove partway through reading. He tossed it onto the low table and it skittered across, stopping when it knocked into Udané's holopad, which was set to some documentary about the life-cycle of the Namana beetle.

Bodhi picked up the chip. " _The Masked Corellian_. Bad, I take it?"

Any information Cassian might have divulged about the non-plot of the book was interrupted by the entrance of Nyreé, Kiarina, and an unfamiliar Twi'lek.

"Afternoon everyone," Nyreé greeted as everyone started shaking the rain off their outerwear and hanging it up. Kiarina wasted no time whisking Bodhi off to another room, talking excitedly about the synthskin they applied to his prothsetic on the way out.

"This is Keiya," Nyreé said, motioning to her Twi'lek companion, "The therapist you ordered." 

Keiya finished pulling her raingear off, revealing braided leather wrapped around her forehead and down around her lekku, studded with what looked like rhinestones that seemed specifically selected to bring out the bluer tones in her sea green skin. Folding the scarf over her arm, Keiya extended her hand to Cassian, which he took. "Keiya Phlox. And you?"

"Captain Cassian Andor."

"Nice meeting you, Captain. So, who am I speaking to first?"

Not even looking up from her documentary, Udané pointed at Jyn, who immediately pointed at Cassian. Cassian stifled a sigh and turned back to Keiya, who looked like she was trying not to laugh. "I guess it's me."

\-----------------------------------

It felt eerily quiet when he returned to the sitting room. Jyn and Udané had disappeared somewhere outside with the holopad. He knew Bodhi wouldn't be done for a while, so it was just Cassian, wandering the house again.

He found himself picking up Udané's and Jyn's cups left on the table and dumping them into the sink before making himself another cup of tea. He felt like he was on autopilot as he went over his discussion with Keiya in his head.

_"Cassian," Keiya said, setting her holopad aside, "I want you to remember something. First, it's fine to mourn anyone *you* need to mourn. Second, you've more than likely made more connections with others than you realize that extend past your occupation as a soldier. Good ones."_

Though, logically he knew what Keiya told him was right, he couldn't get himself to believe any of it. Really, what was he? What good was he to anyone outside of what he was to the Rebellion? There was so much for everyone to lose, hardly anything for him to offer in return, especially with so much blood on his hands. It was part of the reason Cassian never allowed himself to become attached to anyone besides Kaytoo, and look how that had turned out.

Unfortunately, as Cassian had discovered over the years, emotions were rarely predictable, and even more rarely did what you wanted them to. It was just another fun way to tie himself into knots. So Cassian sat down, found another bookchip and tried to lose himself in another story.

Bodhi finally emerged a while later, well after the doctors and Nyreé had left, well into Cassian's third bookchip, well after Keiya had left, well into Udané's and Jyn's documentary about Corellian mud whistlers, well after Udané had finally stopped sniffing and Jyn had stopped looking sour after their own talks with Keiya. 

Bodhi had a new hearing device on the ear that had been injured the worst, and sported the same black prosthetic from Ragna but now fitted with transparent synthskin. After leaning over the couch between Jyn and Udané and demanding to know what the hell kind of bird that was supposed to be, he managed to rope them all into a game of sabacc, the stakes being tea packets and bookchips. After Bodhi cleaned everybody out, Udané threw her cards down in disgust.

"You might try going a little easy on the non-professional players here," Udané stated.

"Hardly professional," Bodhi replied, grinning.

"I'd like to know what you're planning to do with all that tea," Jyn said, collecting both her and Udané's cards and tucking them back into the deck. She had been the only one to give Bodhi any kind of run for his money. Cassian thought she was going to flip the table when Bodhi beat her negative twenty-one with a positive twenty-one.

"Drink it?" Bodhi offered, right as Cassian said, "Tea bath."

Bodhi looked at him, confused. "What?"

"You've never heard of Kiribani tea baths?" Cassian asked. Everyone stared at him. "No one has?"

"Are you just making that up?" Jyn asked as Udané dug out her holopad.

"I'm not. They're a thing."

"Caraya's soul," Udané muttered a few seconds later before leaning over and showing Jyn the contents of her holopad. " _Why?_ "

Jyn pulled the holopad closer. "Wouldn't the water get cold letting it steep? Why not brew it first then pour it in?"

As Jyn and Udané began debating the logistics of tea bathing, Cassian pillowed his head on his arms and looked at Bodhi. "Where did you learn how to play sabacc?"

"My ammi taught me how to play years ago," Bodhi replied, picking up the deck of cards and shuffling it absently. "Funnily enough, this whole thing reminded me of something. Can't remember the planet, but I met this guy, Lando, in a canteen during a layover for a delivery. We were talking and he's telling me this ridiculous story about how he lost his ship in a game of sabacc and the next thing I know he's pulling out a pack of cards and teaching me how to play."

Cassian stared at Bodhi. "Please tell me you didn't ruin him any further."

"I promise I was on my best behavior. Have you ever had to work the sabacc table for any of your missions?"

"Only once. But I also thought I was better at it than this."

"You just never played against me or Jyn before."

"I'm flattered," Jyn replied, causing Cassian to roll his eyes.

"Of course you are," Bodhi responded as Udané started giggling uncontrollably behind her holopad. Bodhi then turned to Cassian, setting the cards back on the table. 

"Go again? We can play for questions this time if you like."

"NO."

\----------------------------

" _What is it, mijo? Scared of the storm?" His mother picked him up, letting out a grunt as she did so. "By the Maker you're getting big. Come on."_

_She carried Cassian through the darkness and opened one of the doors, revealing a wasteland scattered with bodies, the sky dark and raining blaster fire. An explosion went off, flaring bright and shaking the foundations of the building, sending men who were running for cover flying._

_"See?" His mother held her hand out as if she were attempting to catch the blaster bolts. "Nothing to be afraid of-"_

Another blast went off right in front of the door, snapping Cassian awake as a loud roll of thunder slowly died away. He was still in the chair in the common room, which was now dark and empty, the only sign that the evening had happened being the abandoned pack of cards, the terrible book chip left on the table and the blanket someone had draped over him at some point. Drops of rain pattered across the windows and against the stone of the old house accompanied by another distant roll of thunder. He remained still, not daring to close his eyes, otherwise he'd see things too clearly. That ridge on Eadu, the night waiting for that contact on Bakura, those horrible couple of weeks on Pantora with a malfunctioning Kaytoo...

When another clap of thunder rolled overhead, Cassian pulled the blanket off and pushed himself up, heading for the 'fresher where he discovered much to his dismay that someone had decided to draw on him with permanent ink. After a few minutes of futile attempts at washing it off, wondering how the hell he didn't wake up during that, he left in disgust and nearly smacked straight into Bodhi. Cassian jumped nearly a foot backwards. "Kriffing-"

"-hell, Cassian!" Bodhi took refuge by the wall, scrubbing a hand over his face. 

"You look terrible."

"You don't look so great yourself," Cassian replied, noticing Bodhi's watery, bloodshot eyes. "Did you sleep?"

"Did _you_?"

"Thunder woke me up."

Bodhi nodded, looked out the windows before heading back down the hall, out the door leading to the veranda. Cassian followed, mostly for lack of anything better to do, and mostly because he just watched Bodhi walk out into a thunderstorm. 

Outside, Cassian stayed back away from the elements, leaning on the wall next to the door, crossing his arms and watching the rain as it poured off the roof of the veranda. "Do I get to ask why you're letting yourself get rained on?"

It took a minute or so for Bodhi to respond, instead lifting his hands like he was trying to catch the raindrops. "This is the first time in the last few days anything's felt real to me."

A flash of lightning and an immediate clap of thunder had Bodhi retreating back under the mild protection of the veranda roof. He wrung some of the water out of his shirt before leaning on the wall next to Cassian to watch the rain as well.

"I've just been wondering," Bodhi said at length, "how people are going to see me when we go back. How many are just going to see an ex-Imperial. Maybe not even the 'ex' part."

They had a similar conversation late at night while they were on Ragna, and Cassian wondered if repeating his words here would be of any use. It wasn’t as if he had anything better to say, though. "Some of them might, that's true. But if you have any trouble, I'll be there."

Bodhi blew out a breath. "I wish I could be as sure as you. Or as calm."

"I'm not calm," Cassian replied, turning and reaching out, slowly, slowly, and stroking the loose strands of hair out of Bodhi's face, tucking them gently behind his ear. After being in the cold rain even for the short amount of time Bodhi had been out there, the warmth of his skin was almost shocking. Bodhi leaned into the touch, eyes fluttering closed briefly and Cassian let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, memories of what happened on Llanic floating through his head.

"Really? You're very good at hiding it, then," Bodhi replied, voice soft.

"Years of practice." Cassian slid his palm over Bodhi's jaw, letting his thumb brush over his cheek and stepped closer. He felt stretched thin, like some part of him was going to snap if he wasn't careful. "What I'm doing right now is scaring me to death."

Cassian saw the slight widening of Bodhi's bright, sparkling, beautiful eyes, saw him lick his lips, heard and felt the sharp intake of breath. "You don't have to do anything."

"I _want_ to."

"Then kiss me before one of us changes our minds."

It took Cassian a moment to react, but when he did it was to tip Bodhi's chin back up and kiss him softly. Bodhi froze for a moment before kissing back almost cautiously, one hand settling on Cassian's hip, the other finding his free hand and tangling their fingers together. 

Eventually Cassian had to pull away so he could breathe properly. Bodhi still hadn't opened his eyes, and Cassian found his attention drawn back to Bodhi's mouth, slick and shiny with saliva. Cassian dragged his thumb across Bodhi's bottom lip, feeling Bodhi's sharp intake of breath as his eyes opened at the contact. Bodhi pressed a kiss to the pad of Cassian's thumb, sending a small shudder through Cassian as Bodhi took hold of Cassian's hand so he could press another kiss into his palm. 

That and the unreadable expression in Bodhi's eyes had Cassian aching in more ways than he could count. It didn't soothe the emotions flooding through Cassian at all, it only made him think about kissing Bodhi as many times as he could, crashing hard into the idea that it could be frighteningly easy to fall for him. So he pulled his hands free, cupped Bodhi's face and kissed him, harder this time, almost desperately, and if Bodhi could hear all the thoughts whirring through Cassian's head, his only response was to tilt his head for a better angle and match him kiss for kiss, pulling Cassian even closer as he did so.

They broke apart when another clap of thunder rolled overhead, startling Cassian. Bodhi looked confused for a moment before shifting to concerned, cupping Cassian's face, sliding his thumbs over his cheeks before pressing their foreheads together. "Come on, let's go back inside."

They only made it as far as the inside of the doorway before Cassian stopped and tugged at Bodhi's hand. Pulling Bodhi close, Cassian kissed him again, slipping a hand around his neck until his fingers were buried in Bodhi's hair, unwilling to even wait long enough to get fully inside. Bodhi wrapped an arm around Cassian, sliding a hand lightly up his spine as he kissed back, sucking Cassian's bottom lip into his mouth. The sensation shot straight through Cassian, and just like every single time someone had kissed him like that, his legs gave out. Fortunately Bodhi was quick enough to get his other arm around him and hold Cassian up so he didn't go spilling to the ground. 

"Your leg?" 

"This-" Cassian started, then stopped, taking a breath. "My leg is fine." When that unreadable expression crossed Bodhi's face again, Cassian pulled away and tugged at Bodhi's hands. "Come on.

They stopped at the 'fresher, Cassian finding a couple of towels and handing one to Bodhi, who took it and immediately began rubbing it over his still saturated hair. After a moment Bodhi stopped, probably realizing Cassian was watching him rather intently. "What?"

Reaching up, Cassian wound his fingers around the ends of the towel hanging around Bodhi's neck and tugged gently. Bodhi obliged, leaning in and catching Cassian's mouth in a firm kiss, Cassian releasing the towel so he could cup Bodhi's face in his hands. Bodhi spread his hands over Cassian's waist before slipping them underneath his shirt, palms warm against Cassian's back, then all at once pulled away from the kiss, gasping for breath.

"I'm sorry, I don't think I can go any further than this." 

"Hey, it's okay," Cassian whispered, rubbing his thumbs across Bodhi's cheeks. "We don't have to do anything."

"You're sure?"

Cassian nodded, wrapping his arms around Bodhi and pulling him close. Bodhi's arms came up around Cassian almost hesitantly. 

"Stay with me?"

"Of course."

Sometime later they lay under the covers, now dry, curled against one another. Cassian found Bodhi's hand and pressed their palms together, lining their thumbs and fingers up. Bodhi flexed his fingers against Cassian's, a small smile curving his mouth that probably mirrored the one Cassian felt spreading across his face, sighing when Bodhi slotted their fingers together, eyes trained on Cassian's face.

"You know, I reprogrammed him when I was sixteen," Cassian said, the words suddenly spilling out of nowhere in the darkness. "Kaytoo, I mean."

Bodhi slipped an arm under his head, not taking his eyes off of Cassian. "Go on. Tell me about him."

Cassian took a deep breath. "When I returned to the base with him that first time he was nearly shot on sight. Kaytoo immediately said to me 'I told you this was a bad idea.' Never stopped telling me that, actually."

"Didn't you have a backup?"

"Yes, but-" Cassian's voice caught and he stopped, closing his eyes against the emotions welling up again. He hated this. "It was on Yavin IV. It's ridiculous to think someone would grab a datastick out of the quarters of someone who was m.i.a. while bugging out," Cassian finished, voice thick and unsteady.

"It's not." Bodhi reached out, fingers of his prosthetic hand gently touching Cassian's cheek, causing Cassian to open his eyes. "It's not. He was your family."

After a moment of stunned silenced, Cassian pulled himself closer to Bodhi, arms wound tightly around his back. Cassian felt Bodhi shift and wrap his arms around him, one arm wrapped tightly around Cassian's back, the other sliding further up until Bodhi could stroke his fingers through Cassian's hair. When Bodhi laid his cheek against Cassian's head and started humming quietly, Cassian managed one, rattling breath, before the next one choked itself into a sob, tears coming unbidden. Cassian clung to Bodhi, pressing his face against Bodhi's shoulder in a small effort to muffle some of the sobs that were now wracking his body.

It took a long time for the sobs to subside.

\---------------------------

The idea had been sitting in Cassian's head ever since Bodhi told his story. About permanent ink on durasteel and names. The idea seemed to fill his mind until Cassian untangled himself from Bodhi, much to a sleepy Bodhi's dismay, and dragging himself out of bed. The materials he needed were right there in the kitchen, but it took him a few minutes to find a space on the wall with enough room for what he wanted. Two names, two dates six years apart. 

_Jeron and Dahlia Andor_

Returning to the room, Cassian sat back down on the bed, Bodhi shifting sleepily next to him.

"Did you just wake up?" Bodhi asked, almost inaudible, cracking an eye open at Cassian. Cassian nodded.

"Just had something I needed to do," Cassian replied, setting the pen aside. He cupped Bodhi's cheek and leaned down to kiss him. Bodhi immediately slid a hand onto the back of Cassian's neck, kissing back softly, pulling Cassian back down onto the bed.

"Well well," Udané said sweetly from as they walked into the kitchen about twenty minutes later. She capped the pen in her hand, having finished putting another couple of names on the wall. "Have a good night? Sounded like it."

Bodhi gave her a flat look. "Mind your own business, or you don't get any eggs." Udané responded only by laughing.

A few minutes later Jyn entered the kitchen, looking rumpled and as mad as a spitting Loth-cat. She looked around the room, passing over Bodhi and Udané before settling on Cassian. "Someone sewed me into the bedsheets," she said without preamble. Bodhi nearly choked on his caf.

"Oh yeah?" Cassian asked, turning to look Jyn dead in the eye. "Someone drew on me with permanent ink."

"You don't know that was me."

Cassian shrugged. "Neither do you."

After glaring at him for a moment, Jyn huffed and sat down next to Udané. 

"How did you get out?" Udané asked.

"Ugh," was Jyn's only reply just as Nyreé walked into the kitchen.

"Oh, I'm just in time for breakfast I see," she said cheerfully, drawing the attention of the whole room. "Captain, you have a visitor. They're waiting by the pond for you."

Outside, Cassian spotted the cloaked figure easily, and headed down the path. When he was closer, the figure turned and pulled back their hood, and upon seeing who it was you could have knocked Cassian over with a feather. "Ahsoka?"

Ahsoka's smile was as bright as the sunlight glinting off the water as she pulled Cassian in for a tight hug, which Cassian returned. "Long time no see, kid!"

"What are you doing here?"

"They needed a way to get the coordinates to you safely and I happened to be in the sector," Ahsoka replied. "I'm just sorry we don't have time to talk, especially after hearing about what you and your friends pulled on Scarif."

"They don't usually send Fulcrum agents out for this sort of thing."

"Don't tell anyone, but I might be disobeying orders," Ahsoka grinned at him. "You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

Ahsoka only stayed long enough to deliver the coordinates like she said she would, though Cassian was beyond sorry to see her go since there was no telling when they might see each other again. But, coordinates figuratively in hand, Udané and Bodhi out checking the ship's systems, it was definitely time to leave. For some reason he felt it necessary to check all the rooms, make sure nothing was out of place, that nothing was left behind even though there wasn't much _to_ leave behind.

He happened on Jyn, standing in front of the wall between the kitchen and dining area. Jyn met his eyes briefly, then fumbled something out of her pocket and stuck a datachip to the wall. After a moment of hesitation, she tapped it open, revealing a much younger Galen and a woman Cassian didn't recognize, holding a girl who couldn't have been more than three years old that Cassian realized he _did_ recognize. After gazing at it for a long moment, Jyn shouldered her bag and turned to Cassian. "Ready whenever you are, Captain."

\----------------------------------------------------

After the close call with the Empire, the heads of the Rebellion had decided to split their forces, especially now that they knew the Empire would be stepping up their search for them. The coordinates lead them to the planet Belkadan, a remote planet in the Dalonbian sector almost at the edge of the galaxy, full of forests and crumbling structures. Upon arrival and disembarking, Cassian noticed immediately that a lot of faces were missing, and that he had no way of yet knowing who had been killed and who had been assigned to different planets.

Baze and Chirrut were there to greet them even before they disembarked, Baze surprising everyone with hugs, and without his weapon he looked smaller, almost like a part of him was missing. Cassian was positive Baze was trying not to cry the whole time. Udané received a hug from Baze as well, much to her surprise.

"For bringing the children back safely," Chirrut explained, only for Baze to demand that he _stop calling them that_. 

Seconds later someone could be heard shouting Udané's name, and Udané's eyes went wide and she went running to the source, who recognized as Udané's brother, Ualan. They met halfway, hugging each other tightly.

"You should have hopped on our ship," Chirrut was saying, dragging away Cassian's attention. "We got back here with no trouble."

"No-? You were in a bacta tank for two days," Baze said, somehow managing to sound exasperated and fond at the same time.

"Yes, Baze is correct. Unfortunately they were unable to save my sight." Chirrut confirmed solemnly. 

"It took you a while to find your way back," Baze commented, deciding to ignore Chirrut. "What happened?"

"Oh, you know," Jyn shrugged. "Cassian found a new jacket. Bodhi got a new arm. Acquired a ship. Accidentally liberated a planet."

"Accidentally?"

"I think 'unintentionally' would be a better word," Bodhi interjected.

Just then a voice reverberated through the med bay. "Hey, Cass!" 

Cassian turned to find Shara running towards him. He knew from experience that he had a total of five seconds to brace himself before she launched herself at him, and sure enough, a few seconds later she was barrelling into him, hugging him hard enough to hurt and lifting him off the ground. "Careful- my ribs-!"

"Kriff- sorry!" Shara dropped him. "You okay?"

"I'm healing," Cassian wheezed, still unable to keep the smile off his face. He let the wall help hold him up as caught his breath. "So you were assigned to this rock- what about Kes?"

"He's around. But it's about time you showed. There I was, on a mission only to come back and find out you and your new friends broke protocol and went running off to Scarif? Vaping moffs on a speeder, Cass. I only wish I could have seen that. We were getting worried something had actually happened to you on Scarif and no one wanted to tell us." 

Cassian's smile dropped a bit, thinking about how close a thing it had been, just as Shara pinched at the fabric of Cassian's jacket. "And where did you get this from? A Wookiee?"

"Oh this?" Cassian shrugged, tucking his hands into the pockets of the jacket he had liberated from one of the bounty hunters they ran into on Llanic. "I found it."

Shara looked beyond amused, then started digging through her pockets. "Right, speaking of finding things, I have something for you." Pulling something free, she handed it to Cassian. A datastick. Cassian turned it over in his hands, noticing the familiar wear on the casing. He looked up at Shara. 

"What-"

"When we were evacuating, Kes mentioned something about you always backing up Kaytoo before any major assignment," Shara explained. "We weren't sure what to grab out of your things, but we knew we had to at least find that for you."

"How did Kes know about that?"

"Something about the mission back on Pantora - he and a few others helped you get Kaytoo back to the base?"

Oh. _OH._ Cassian had _completely_ forgotten about that. Everything else that happened on Pantora lived so vividly in his mind that most of the aftermath was a blur, though now that he thought about it, he did remember Kes yelling ‘no man left behind!’ at someone.

"Cassian? You okay?"

Cassian pressed the back of his hand to his mouth for a moment. He wasn't going to cry. Not here, anyway. "Yeah, I'm- thank you. You've no idea how much this means to me."

Shara smiled at him, and for a moment Cassian had the intense feeling she was going to reach out and ruffle his hair. "You should keep that on a friendship bracelet or something."

"That would defeat the purpose," Cassian replied as a young cadet came up to them.

"Excuse me, Captain Andor? General Draven is looking for you."

It wasn't as if he didn't know this was coming, Cassian thought as he stifled a sigh. No doubt the briefing would be long and horrible, not only with questions about Scarif and what-the-hell-were-you-thinking-Andor!, but if they knew about Christophsis he had no idea what to tell them about that. Maybe he should take a painkiller before talking to the General. Next thing he knew Bodhi was beside him and was squeezing his hand, as if to say everything would be okay. Funnily enough, Cassian could feel himself relax a bit and squeezed back before releasing Bodhi's hand.

Cassian let himself be pulled away by the cadet as he heard Shara and Bodhi introduce themselves to one another. As he tucked his freezing hands into his jacket pockets, he wrapped his fingers datastick, like one might hold on to a talisman, and suddenly Keiya's words came flooding into his head.

_You've more than likely made more connections with others than you realize -- good ones._

**Author's Note:**

> This is a part of that story I've been working on since January, so if there's interest I might end up turning this into a series about what happened on all those other planets I mentioned.


End file.
